100: Financial Boundaries

Welcome to The Wealthy Mom MD Podcast, a podcast for women physicians who want to learn how to live a wealthy life. In this podcast you will learn how to make money work for you, how you can have more of it, and learn the tools to empower you to live a life on purpose. Get ready to up-level your money and your life. I’m your host, Dr. Bonnie Koo.

Hello, welcome to episode 100. So I just wanted to take a moment and really thank you for being on this podcast journey with me. I know and appreciate so many of you who have been with me since the beginning. If you're joining in later, no worries, I'm thankful for you too.

And it's been a ride, the first few episodes, at least in my head, I thought were really awkward. Podcasting, even though I've been on many other podcasts and used to co-host a podcast, doing a solo podcast is definitely not for the faint of heart. I just felt so weird and awkward. I had to like meticulously outline every podcast, I still outline but I don't have to be so crazy about scripting it. It just feels so much easier for me.

And I hope you've learned so much, I hope you've gotten immense value from the podcast so far. And so I do have an ask, I would really, really love it if you could write a podcast review for me. It would really help other people find the podcast and check it out. Because we are talking about money, we are talking about money for women, and I just feel so compelled to share this with everyone, with all the people. And so the more we can get this message out, the more women will be helped when it comes to money.

And I also have a second announcement, and that is that I have actually revived my free Facebook group, it's been closed for about a year. It was called Wealthy Mom Physicians on Facebook, I changed the name and basically rebooted it. It is now called Wealthy-Minded Women Physicians.

And this group is for physicians graduating with an MD or DO degree, or the international equivalent. And so it should be searchable, just go ahead on Facebook and search for Wealthy-Minded Women Physicians and I hope to see you in there.

And one of the things I'm planning for this Facebook group is to do a monthly teaching of some sort. And I just did one very recently called financial boundaries, and I wanted to actually do today's podcasts on that. And so I like to do these kind of one-off lessons, and actually, this lesson on financial boundaries is actually a lesson that I was creating for my paid program, Money For Women Physicians.

And I'm in process of revamping it and reorganizing it. I've been doing this program since 2019, so over time I have sort of seen what was actually required, what was something that maybe wasn't quite clear or confusing. And so there are many things I want to redo, and also add. And this was definitely one of the topics that I thought would be very useful.

And when I did do it live, which I streamed into the Wealthy-Minded Women Physicians group, it definitely was a topic that many women physicians could relate to because it's such an important topic, I think. And I really do explain why it's so hard for many of us to enforce our financial boundaries, or boundaries in general.

All right, so let's get started. And so the title of the talk was financial boundaries, what, why, and how. And so here's what I mean by a financial boundary or a situation that you may have to enforce one. So basically, have you ever been asked to give money?

And this might be super direct, like a family member or friend asking you for money, asking to borrow money, asking for a loan. But it can also be a bit more implied, where people are implying that you should pay for something, like maybe you're at dinner and you're the “rich friend” and you're getting the sense that people are expecting you to pay.

Or it might even be something like, and I'm going to give you an example from my life. I love my mom, so this is not a knock on her at all. But I remember when I was in residency, and she would say things like, oh, so and so's son bought so and so a new car. Little things like that.

So just think of a time where you just felt like you were expected to give money or maybe even guilted. I feel like all of us have examples like that. And so if you do have an example, or this happens to you on the regular, I want you to think about how it makes you feel.

I find that most people are feeling angry or frustrated or annoyed, maybe like resentment, maybe even guilt, or all of the above. And so we need to talk a bit about what a boundary actually is. So I'm going to actually explain to you what a traditional boundary is and then we're going to move on to what a financial boundary is, they're very similar.

So a boundary is something that you do for you. It has nothing to do with other people, or changing, or trying to change other people's behavior because you can't actually control other people or their behavior. Now, a traditional boundary consists of two parts. Number one is a request you make when someone crosses a boundary, and you define what the boundary is. And then part two is stating the consequence of what you will do if that boundary is crossed.

Again, I'm going to repeat myself again, a boundary is all about you. So notice in those two parts I just said, the first part is the request that you make. And it's a request because we can't control other people. And part two is the consequence of what you will do if that boundary is crossed again.

Many of us get boundaries a bit mixed up and make it about them and make the consequence about them. So I'm going to give you an example to really hit this home, okay? So as many of you know, I have a son, Jack. He's four years old at the time of this recording and sometimes he will want to hit or pinch me. And so I have decided that this is a boundary violation when he does that.

So basically what I'm saying is you get to decide what a boundary violation for you is. I don't know, maybe you're okay with your toddler hitting or pinching you, right? You get to decide. Okay, so when he does hit or pinch me, remember two parts.

Number one, I make a request, please don't pinch me. And then part two, the consequence of what I will do if that boundary is crossed again. And so that might look like this, if you do that again I'm going to leave the room. Or could be if you do that again I'm going to get up.

Now, financial boundaries are a little different. And the way I define it is that a financial boundary is crossed when someone asks you for money, whether it's outright asking or implied. Now, remember, you get to decide what a boundary violation is. So for example, if you are totally okay with people doing this, then it's not a boundary violation for you.

But I'm guessing for many of you, it might be. And if you want to do whatever they ask or imply, then totally great. But if you're noticing that you're feeling annoyed or you're having any resentment, then keep listening, this is definitely for you. And if you don't want to do what they're asking but you have a hard time saying no, or if you do say no but then feel guilty about it, this is definitely for you as well.

Again, I'm going to say it, remember, a boundary is for you. It is not for them, it is not about trying to change other people's behavior, meaning we can’t control people. We can make requests, but at the end of the day other people, at least adults, have agency and they get to do whatever they want.

I mean, listen, it would definitely be nice if people just behaved the way we want them to, if they just followed all the rules we have for them. So let's talk about that. And here's what I want to say about that, number one, people will do what they want. Number two, we can't control other people. Number three, see number one, people will do what they want.

So what I'm trying to say here, is stop expecting people to do something different or do what you want them to do. I think it's that expectation that they shouldn't ask you for money that really creates all that annoyance and resentfulness.

Now, many of us think that we are feeling angry or resentful because they asked, but that's actually not what's happening. The only reason you feel angry, resentful, or whatever negative emotion you're feeling is because you are thinking they shouldn't be asking.

For example, let's say your sister is always asking you for money and every time she does so you are so annoyed and so you might be thinking something like she shouldn’t be asking me. She shouldn't do that. Why is she asking me again?

I just want to say that every time you're thinking something that includes the word should, I call these should statements or thoughts, they basically never feel very good. It pretty much always leads to feeling annoyed, frustrated or angry. Kind of like, you know, when I used to get really angry at Jack for pinching or hitting me, basically, my thought was, he shouldn't be doing that. Although, in retrospect, he's a toddler. So what else would he do, right?

So this is what I recommend that you tell yourself instead, the next time this happens, something like this. Of course. Of course she's asking me this. Of course she's doing this. Now, I want to be clear, this isn't about condoning their behavior, this isn't about judging them or thinking, there she goes again. It's about dropping the expectation that she should behave differently, or that she would after asking you many times. So that's how not to feel upset when they ask.

Now, I want to also discuss the flip side to this as well. Maybe you do genuinely feel that you should do something or maybe you actually want to do it. Okay, now, I want to move on to why it's so hard for so many of us to say no. Number one, just even saying no. And even if you're someone that is able to say no, so many of us say no and then feel so guilty or bad about it.

And so I want to talk about this, why it's so hard to say no. So it really comes down to these reasons. And I also want to say it seems to be particularly hard for women because we have been socialized to really prioritize or want other people to have great opinions of us, myself included, right? It kind of makes sense. Of course we want to be liked.

So this is one of the reasons why it's so hard to say no, because we don't want people to be upset with us. We want people to be happy with us. And if you say no to that request for money, people might be upset.

All right, here's another reason, it's kind of awkward to say no, or uncomfortable, or a mix of both. Basically, we don't like the way it feels, it feels awkward and so we just say yes because we don't want to deal with the discomfort of saying no.

And the other reason it's hard to say no is because kind of like what I said about how women were sort of socialized to want other people's opinions to be so high of us, we’re also not used to putting ourselves first, meaning prioritizing ourselves over somebody else. But here's the thing, if you're someone who says no but then is so mad about it, is that really something you want? Like is that useful?

Is it useful to say no, but then bitch and moan to your girlfriend's about it? Or secretly seethe underneath? In other words you're resentful, you're pissed off, while putting on this nice facade to this other person. And as I said earlier, we do this because we really care about other people's opinions. In other words, you are a people pleaser.

We all are, by the way. And we do this hoping to change someone's behavior or opinion of us. But as I said earlier, we can't control that anyway so you may as well do what you want. The last thing I want to say about people pleasing is I want you to consider if people pleasing has ever really made you feel good about actually doing it. I'm guessing the answer is no.

Now the second thing I said was it's just awkward and weird to say no. And this is another angle of the people pleasing thing. Since we don't want people to be upset and feeling awkward or unpleasant, especially if they're upset with you, but I really want you to pause and think about it. Why is it so awkward and uncomfortable to say no. Why? Only because it feels uncomfortable and awkward. And what I mean by that is it's a not so great feeling emotion. So what?

Remember all feelings, all emotions are temporary. You're not going to feel awkward or uncomfortable forever. You're not going to die. And so I would love for all of you to be more comfortable feeling uncomfortable. Because here's the thing, you might avoid that awkward, uncomfortableness by saying no. But then what happens is, as I said above, you're so angry and pissed off about it afterwards. So really, did you really win? No.

All right, and the last thing I said is we're just not used to putting ourselves first, prioritizing ourself over someone else's opinion or their feelings. And as women we're just so used to, and also society kind of gives us a message that if we prioritize ourselves that we are being selfish. And we don't want to be selfish, we don't want be labeled that by other people. And so we just give and give and give.

Now tell me, how does that make you feel when you do that? Maybe you think you should be doing that, so maybe you're not even feeling bad about it. But then here's sort of what I think about that, what are you teaching other people when you do that? And if you have children, especially if you have daughters, what are you teaching them?

And I'm not saying that you're telling them outright you should care about other people before you care about yourselves. I don't think any of us are telling our children that, but you have to remember that they're always watching us. They model their behavior, they mirror our emotions, and so even if you don't think you're doing this, but if you do this, you are. We are basically teaching our daughters, our kids, that their needs aren't as important as other people's.

So I just really want you to consider that. Is that what you want to be teaching your kids? Also, when you think other people's behavior creates your feelings, meaning if someone's upset with you you're going to feel bad, you are basically giving away all of your agency and power. And you're just going to be pissed off and resentful, and pissed off at the world. And that's not fun.

Plus, you are able to direct your thoughts and feelings. Nobody, and I joke about this a lot to my clients, nobody can jump inside your body, your brain and make you feel something. It's just not true. And so now, what do you want to do going forward? Do you want to say no? No meaning enforcing the boundary. Great? Do you want to feel great about enforcing it? Because I think that's the goal, saying no and feeling great about it.

Now, don't expect yourself to get this overnight or to feel great about saying no overnight. But if you're someone that has a lot of trouble saying no or say no but don't feel great about it afterwards, just start with small steps. Notice why you're feeling the way you feel. What are you telling yourself that's making you feel that way?

And then as you practice this, really think about what came up for you. And remember, you get to decide if you want to keep a boundary or enforce a boundary violation, it's really up to you. Because I definitely have clients and friends of mine who love giving their family money and they totally don't mind when they're asked to give it. So you really get to decide.

And I think that's a great way to close because like I said, at the end of the day we have so much more agency and power over how our lives go. And so I just really want you to stop thinking you don't have any, that other people are creating your thoughts and feelings because they're absolutely not.

And also you can't change other people's thoughts and feelings no matter how hard you try, so just stop doing that. I want you to really focus on yourself, focus on what you can control. And so I hope you found this super useful.

These are the types of things we talk about inside my program, Money For Women Physicians. And if you want more agency over your money, then come on in, go to wealthymommd.com/money. And as I said earlier, thank you so much for being a part of my podcasting journey and I would love it if you could write me a great review. And I will talk to you all next week.

Hey, if you're ready to create wealth, I want to invite you to join my program, Money For Women Physicians. You'll join a community of like-minded women physicians who are committed to creating wealth. Just head over to wealthymommd.com/money to learn more.