169: Mom Guilt 2.0

Welcome to The Wealthy Mom MD Podcast, a podcast for women physicians who want to learn how to live a wealthy life. In this podcast, you will learn how to make money work for you, how you can have more of it, and learn the tools to empower you to live a life on purpose. Get ready to up-level your money and your life. I’m your host, Dr. Bonnie Koo.

Hey, everyone. It is officially summer. Summer is in full swing. Jack is in camp, right now. And all the summer activities are happening. And so, I did a two-day birthday retreat recently, and I want to talk about that. But I thought before I air that episode, that I actually re-air an episode I did quite a bit ago on mom guilt.

Because I know many of you out there, and whether you're a mom or not, I think a lot of us have a hard time doing things for ourselves because of the way we're socialized as women. So, go ahead and listen to this short and sweet episode. And I will see you next week to talk all about what I did on my retreat, and why.

So, in this episode, I'm mainly talking about moms. But even if you're not a mom, I still want to listen because you are not immune to these thought errors. First, I want to say, that as women we are socialized to basically take care of everyone else. And then, if there's anything left over, maybe we'll take care of ourselves too.

We are socialized to care deeply about other people's opinions, and not care or even have an opinion about ourselves. And well, we need to change that. And these types of deep-seated beliefs we have as women are only magnified if you're also a mom. And that's why there is even a phrase “mom guilt”.

This is why many moms stop dreaming. Because we often think that if we do dream and go for it, that it will be at the expense of our families. Not only that, other people believe this about us. Other women, too. It's just in the air. And we are socialized to believe that we are selfish, if we're not amazing mothers, whatever that means.

But basically, society thinks that means we should be not working or have a full-time job, we should just be home with our kids and not do anything else. So, in case you're wondering, how does this tie in with money? Keep listening.

First, there are two quotes that kind of struck me and were sort of the inspiration for this episode. And so, the first quote is a composite quote from speaking with so many moms, mostly single moms or breadwinning moms.

It goes something like this, “I'd love to do something, like start a business, or do something else. But I don't have the energy because of the kids. And I'm the main source of income. I just need a job where I can go in, work hard, and earn a good living.”

And whenever I hear some version of this, first I just want to say it just breaks my heart. Because it comes down to what I think are two belief errors. That we can't make more money without sacrificing something. Whether it's time or time with our families or our families or being a mom. And that it's going to take a lot of work. Which, related to what I just said, is going to be part of the sacrifice.

Now, here's this other quote, and this is from Suze Orman-- or is it Suzy Orman, I always forget, but I'm sure you guys all know who she is. She's a sort of well-known financial expert that's on TV and has written lots of books. And so, this is a quote I read by her that really struck me. And this is in regards to what she sees as the biggest difference between men and women with regard to money.

She says, “Women will always think, especially if they have children, that their money is for their parents, their spouses, their brothers, their sisters, their pets, and everybody but them. Because a woman's nature is to nurture. Men, on the other hand, know absolutely that the money they make is for them. They don't have trouble saying no. They have no problem keeping it for themselves, investing it for themselves, and not sharing it with their spouses.”

I'm actually going to read that quote again so that it sinks in. Okay, here we go.

“Women will always think, especially if they have children, that their money is for their parents, their spouses, their brothers, their sisters, their pets, and everybody but them. Because a woman's nature is to nurture. Men, on the other hand, know absolutely that the money they make is for them. They don't have trouble saying no. They have no problem keeping it for themselves, investing it for themselves, and not sharing it with their spouses.”

I don't know about that last part, about not sharing with their spouses, but the rest of the quote, I do agree with. And so, we are more likely to think that the money that we create isn't for our enjoyment, but it's for everyone else's enjoyment. Or that we need to make sure we take care of everyone else.

But we all know that the real truth is that we can't take care of others well if we don't take care of ourselves. If we don't put ourselves number one. Yes, even you as a mom. Now, I just want to say that prioritizing yourself will look different for everyone.

For me, it looks like this. I personally need lots of time alone. I need time away from my family. I take trips without them. This year alone, I think I've taken three. Now, most of these are for business, like my business masterminds and retreats that I attend. But I always schedule extra time for just me at these things.

And a few weeks after this podcast comes out, I'll be going to Cabo, Mexico, to meet with my business mastermind, and I'm going to be gone for seven nights by myself. Once a week, my mom who lives nearby, takes my son Jack for the evening. This gives me and Matt, each other's alone time and then time for ourselves to work on our relationship. And I can't tell you how amazing it is to wake up and have that morning time to ourselves.

I have so many clients and friends who have not even had an evening away from their families, let alone a solo trip, or even a solo trip with their partner. And so, if this is you, start small. Now, I can already feel some of you feeling uncomfortable about prioritizing yourself. And so, I want to just tell you that this is normal.

We women, especially moms, we're not used to doing this. We're literally socialized not to. Meaning, that we literally think that taking time for ourselves, putting ourselves number one, is being selfish, it's bad, we shouldn't do that, and we should be prioritizing our families.

And here's what I want to tell you. This might sound harsh, but hear me out. What kind of example are you showing your kids if you don't prioritize yourself? Especially if you have daughters. Because then we just keep the cycle of women not prioritizing ourselves, right? And we need to break the cycle, the socialization.

What if we get to show our daughters that it's okay to prioritize ourselves? It's okay to take care of ourselves? And this goes for whether you have daughters or not. I don't have daughters, I only have sons. And the example I'm showing him is that it's okay for a woman to put herself first, to take care of herself first, and that it's normal.

Not that it's even okay, that it's normal, right? Because if we do this for ourselves, and we have children, they grew up thinking this is normal. And I can't think of a more beautiful example to show our children this, about taking care of ourselves.

And so, going back to that composite quote that came from single moms and breadwinning moms, about not being able to make more money without sacrificing their families or time with their families. A lot of women think, a lot of moms think, that if they have a dream of creating lots of money, lots of wealth, that it's going to come at the expense of their families.

So, I just want us to question that. Is that even true? And if you remember my last episode, are you willing to be wrong about this? Maybe we're wrong about having to sacrifice. Because what I do know is that if you don't do something different, nothing is going to change.

Meaning, what if maintaining the status quo of just working, about putting your head to the ground, picking up more shifts, what if that is actually sacrificing? Instead of doing something new, doing something different, that over time can actually create so much more time for yourself and for your families.

And so, how can you carve out some more time for yourself? How can you take care of yourself? What would that look like? Would it be texting your friend to go out for dinner? Would it be organizing a group brunch with your local girlfriends? Would it be scheduling a weekend trip with your friends? Would it look like planning a weekend getaway with your spouse? It's going to look different for all of us.

Okay, everyone, I will talk to you next week.

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